A very precious gift

For weeks I have been harboring something that I couldn't wait to share... I have been waiting until this past Tuesday and then planned to shout it!!!!

Things are now a little different. At first I thought that I wouldn't journal this, and then I looked at things differently. I do not want to erase this from our minds and lives, this is part of who we are. This is a tribute of sorts.

A few weeks before our trip to Florida, Kevin and I were given news that would change our lives. A beautiful miracle. I found out that I was a few weeks pregnant. What a gift this news was to us. A most unexpected gift after so many years of infertility and struggles.

Tuesday was our first scheduled ultrasound. A day of such excitement and yet in my heart I was scared that our baby wouldn't have a heartbeat.... Perhaps this worry in my mind was a way of preparing me... Right before the ultrasound, I said to the technician how relieved I will be to see a heartbeat and to please tell us right away! Well, tragically, the technician remained silent. I knew at that moment that my worst fear was coming true... I began to cry.... During the procedure she remained silent.... This made me cry far more.... I was told to use the washroom and they would do a different ultrasound and that perhaps the fetus (our baby) was just very tiny. I knew.... I knew in my heart.... I came back and the next ultrasound was performed and again, silence.... I sobbed.... Kevin was with me and he was so strong. I shall never forget that day..... We were told to wait in the waiting room until our doctor (who was in the hospital) came to talk with us.... I went back to a waiting room full of pregnant women, whom I truly didn't want to scare with my crying.... I stood sobbing quietly in the hall until we were told we could wait in the ultrasound room. I felt true heartbreak.... And a love so strong... We waited and our doctor confirmed our worst fears.... Although I was 12.5 weeks pregnant, our baby hadn't developed past 6.5 weeks.... I had no signs of anything wrong, just my own fear.

I had to see my doctor again and he suggested that I take something (all at home) to bring upon this miscarriage. Without too many details, with great fear and sadness, I began this process which I think is now complete.

Our hearts are definitely broken in many ways. And yet, despite this deep sadness, we are doing quite well. Victoria has been wonderful throughout this process despite her great disappointment. She was so excited.... Mara-Grace and Hannah talked to our baby every day and drew some precious pictures of me sporting a lovely baby in my tummy. Our girls and families were beyond excited. So much joy and hope has been such a tremendous part of these weeks.

There was not a day that passed that I didn't thank God for this precious gift... I am very sad, and at the same time, I have a true sense of peace about all of this. I will not question why this has happened. This miracle has given us all hope and excitement and sheer joy. I am so thankful for this precious gift, a gift I never thought I would have again in my life....

I love you our baby angel and pray for you.... I am the luckiest Mommy for having the privilege of carrying you for the time we had... I thank God for you, our precious gift. xoxo